I’ve stopped doing these 7 things in my life and it’s awesome!! Not Really™.
3 min readOct 25, 2020
- I stopped using the Filibuster 2300 as my primary mode of transport for inter-dimensional travel. It just isn’t worth the hassle anymore when for just a couple more doubloons you could have Tikibuster 2500 that is so much more convenient. Furthermore, the last time I took a trip in the Filibuster 2300, Fluffy (my imaginary pet dog) and my heads switched. And the goddamn dog's breath stinks ass.
- Stopped listening to what other people have to say. They’d say something stupid like, “ oh don’t put your hand in that vat of acid” or something like “you shouldn’t gulp down two cans of soda back to back, it’s not healthy.” I don’t live my life by someone else’s rules.
- I will no longer let anyone walk all over me. I will take a stand (or a nap) and not let anybody walk all over me any longer.
- I also stopped keeping tabs on a couple of people, bugging their cellphones, and hiring a bunch of private detectives to follow them around. It’s a crime, apparently. And the dumb courts gave me an injunction, I mean what the fuck is up with that?? Down with fascism!!
- I’ve stopped watching shitty commercial movies. It’s just conspiracy documentaries for me now. Did you know that the US Navy sunk the Titanic because it was transporting aliens? Did you know that the lobsters that were supposed to be dinner that night escaped and are rumored to have bribed the US Navy?
- I’ve discontinued going to public events. Instead, I sit in a dark corner of my room and have a good crying. Good for your eyes. Very good. “I’ll just label my social anxiety as introversion because it’s easier dealing with it that way.”
- I stopped eating cake. You know what? Scratch that. I cannot stop doing that. I will never stop doing that. I’ll do that until all my organs are cake and then I’ll carve them out and eat them too. Fight me.
